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Dysfunctional relationships in the workplace: what causes toxic work relationships and how to improve them
I remember early in my career being surprised that there was drama at work. I had thought "this is work and we're all professionals here", right? Alas, we are only human after all, which means our decisions can be influenced by emotions, knowingly or not. Additionally, our need to be right and personal definition of "right" will change based on background, upbringing, prior experience, and history at the organization. With so many perspectives, and the occasional high-stress situation, conflict and adversity are bound to occur. How we react in times of adversity can impact the environment we live and work in, not only for ourselves, but also for those around us. If we react to adversity and conflict in a toxic way, it can lead others to react in similarly unhealthy ways. Over time, these toxic reactions will have created a number of dysfunctional workplace relationships. The same dynamics that happen in relationships in your personal life will inevitably happen in your professional life and vice versa.
So what are these unhealthy relationships and how do we overcome them?
The Drama Triangle
The Drama Triangle concept was first introduced by Stephen Karpman in the 1960s. Hence it is also know as the Karpman drama triangle. The model describes the dynamic between three archetypes that can occur in dysfunctional social interactions. Each of the Drama Triangle roles represents different responses to conflict and stress.
Roles within the dreaded Drama Triangle
- Persecutor: the persecutor is the tip of the triangle. Their drive for success can manifest as being demanding and critical. They are seen as bossy and can be describe as a bully. They often do not listen to others and push for their own agenda. For them it is important to be right. Their “me first” attitude will dominate the dynamics in the room. How others react to this can magnify or perpetuate the behavior. Since they may use guilt for control and are oblivious to the feelings of others, this attitude will create victims in a group dynamic.
- Victim: the victim is created as a react to a persecutor or the feeling of being persecutor. They feel helpless to their situation. Since they feel powerless to change the dynamics, they actually avoid making decisions and taking responsibility for the outcomes. Since they feel the problem or situation is happening to them and is not theirs to solve, they welcome others to help. They may seek out others who either validate their feelings or who will solve it for them.
- Rescuer: the rescuer is someone who steps in to help the victim. They may feel guilty by not helping, and also feel rewarded by being needed. They can appear self sacrificing, being overly helpful and stepping in to solve everyone’s problems. This behavior can be self-destructive if they discount their own needs and start carrying a martyr persona. While their initial intentions may be good, they create dependence for victims and enable the triangle to continue.
Roles an individual could take on can vary depending on both the situation and its changing players. For instance, based on your upbringing you may have needed to play rescuer quite often. At work, you may now unknowingly be emulating an authority figure and have taken the role of persecutor. As your response and role changes, so does the response and role of others. This leads to a circular dynamic, where one role begets the next, placing everyone in the Drama Triangle, from which it is very difficult to break loose.
The role dynamic I see most often is the victim and the rescuer: Don’t get me wrong. There are persecutors out there. I’ve seen people attend therapy because of a bully manager. We'll touch on how to deal with them in the next section. However, I see plenty of people take on a victim role, not because of one individual but largely from circumstances. For instance, the market changed, customers aren't buying your product, or a new company strategy has you shifting directions and taking on more work. Since these scenarios are all outside of your control, it can feel overwhelming and leave you feeling powerless. If you stay in this hopeless feeling, you are now taking on the "woe is me" victim mentality. Instead of adjusting to the change and finding a path forward, you look for someone to rescue you. A rescuer now steps in and listens to your venting, tells you what to do, or goes and addresses the issues for you.
On the flip side, it's easy to become the rescuer. You see someone who is struggling, whether that be your employee, peer, or even your boss. They have been given a tough challenge and you see a path forward. Or they are stuck with a tough client and you want to be there for them. You step in and solve the problem for them. It may even be as innocuous as you answering their calls where you let them vent about how tough everything is. This leads to a negative drain on energy and morale, needless gossip, and validates their feeling of helplessness instead of empowering them. If you are not coaching them on how they can solve their own problem, you are enabling them. They won't grow to be able to take on the next challenge.
Switching the Dynamic: Shift from Drama to Empowerment
Whether you have taken on the role of victim, rescuer, or even persecutor, it is likely you are in some degree of one of these roles. It happens to all of us. So what do you do about it? How do you breakout of these dysfunctional relationships? You can not change external circumstances or other people's responses. What you can change, is how you react in these situations to stay out of the Drama Triangle.
How to help yourself
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Acceptance and recognition: First, recognize if you are playing one of these roles. Be open to examining your interactions and the roles you may be playing. Remember, this can change based on different areas of your life. You may be used to being a victim in your professional life, however, in your personal life, there could be situations and relationships where you have become a persecutor. Here are a few questions to ask yourself to see if you are playing one of these roles in a relationship.
- Persecutor: When faced with a challenge or decision, do you listen to others input? Is it more important for you to be right than it is to allow others to take on the challenge? Do you blames others on the team for failures? Do you feel your success is more important than the teams?
- Rescuer: When seeing other struggle, do you automatically jump in to help? Do you offer advice unsolicited? On a team, do you take over solving the problem? Do others come to you to solve problems for them? Do others come to you to be heard and to get advice yet their ability to help themselves has not improved?
- Victim: Do you feel you have no power to change your current circumstances? Do you avoid decisions and let others set the course? Do you seek out other people to help before trying yourself? Do you feel you are less capable than your peers? Do you feel you are unfairly given tougher situations than others?
- Empowerment: Now that you see the roles you can play, it’s time to rewrite your role. We use another construct called The Empowerment Dynamic by author David Emerald to describe alternative roles you can play. To change your role, you must change your reaction to situations. The empowerment dynamic can guide you to different reactions and behaviors. Based on the drama role you recognized in yourself, look at the corresponding empowerment role you could be playing.
Victim to Creator
Creator: the creator uses a positive mindset to problem solve and find ways to grow and even thrive from the circumstances. They realize things happen and use their strong self-esteem to find ways to move forward.
Moving from victim to creator: Instead of dwelling on what has happened to you, focus on how you respond. You cannot change the past. The only thing you can change is your response. Challenge your old thinking and ask yourself how you can get what you want. As a creator, think first “How can I help myself?” and then think “I believe I am capable of taking responsibility for my own experience." If you need help, ask a colleague for support or consult a coach who will develop you instead of rescue.
Rescuer to Coach
Coach: the coach uses inquiry, curiosity, and listening to support others in empowering and developing them towards their best selves. A coach may be a coworker or upper management who spends time and energy in making others feel capable, but should not be someone who is personally invested in the outcome of the dysfunctional situation. They do not jump in and do the work themselves, instead they motivate and ask questions to help others generate new insights.
Moving from rescuer to coach: Now that you realize you’re a rescuer and acknowledge you are enabler others, you need to now shift your mindset to believe others are capable of taking care of themselves. Don’t do for others what they can do for themselves. Instead say “I care about you and I know you are capable.” Continue to listen but instead of taking on their problem or pain coach them to self reflect and question them on how they can change they situations. Do not offer solutions. You will also need set your own boundaries and make sure you are taking care of yourself. It can be difficult, especially if you have been rescuing a boss or someone of influence on your career. Suddenly setting boundaries about the time that they take or the amount you are going to help can feel overwhelming. But being upfront and honest about your needs and the type of support you will give will be way more fruitful for you in the long run.
Persecutor to Challenger
Challenger: the challenger is someone who points out the problem or gets to the underlying issue the team or individual is facing. Instead of focusing on blame, they inspire others to overcome adversity. By confronting tough situations head on and communicating with respect to others, they help everyone see what's important to focus on to achieve positive results.
Moving from persecutor to challenger: You may now recognize you can take on the role of persecutor. If you are a leader, taking on persecutor traits ultimately negatively impacts your workforce and causes dysfunction amongst the team. While your drive to succeed doesn’t need to change, how you treat others does. Become a challenger that can help improve the collective group results instead of just your own. You will need to practice your listening skills, be open to feedback and input, and learn to give corrective feedback that is constructive and supports development. It’s okay to still call out when a situation isn’t ideal, but instead of blaming or dictating actions, encourage input and action from others. Focusing on what can be done to change the future is time better spent.
A word of caution, when you shift roles in the drama triangle, this will upset the stability of the relationship. Though it may have been unhealthy and dysfunctional, this was the relationship people were used to. By changing your role, you are forcing others to change as well. Because you are causing change in the circumstance, this can lead to other's blaming you for their discomfort, even seeing you as a persecutor. It’s helpful to explain to others your motivations so they are not misinterpreted. If you are shifting from being a victim to a creator, communicate to those that have helped you (rescuers), that you would like to learn to be more self-resilient. If you are shifting from rescuer to coach, you may need to explain the type of help you are giving is changing from that of a care-taker to a supporter.
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