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As we’ve discussed before, high emotional intelligence is a key factor in achieving professional and personal success. While many resources aim to explain the concept of EI (emotional intelligence) or EQ (emotional quotient), they often provide limited advice on how to enhance these skills. Every individual has their own strengths and weaknesses, whether it relates to their ability to interact socially or handle their own emotions. We are here to provide guidance on how to help you develop emotional intelligence skills and achieve a high EQ.

Diagnosing your focus areas

Emotional intelligence is made up of two distinct dimensions, both halves of the whole critical to our overall EQ. There are various activities that can be practiced to enhance one's emotional intelligence, depending on the specific area of focus. Below is a quick self-assessment to help identify areas where you may need to focus attention.

Emotional Intelligence Dimension 1: Personal Competence

If you identify with, or have been given feedback which reflects any of the statements below, the strategies outlined in the next section can help you to better manage your own emotions and behaviors.

• You take comments personally
• You hold grudges
• You are easy to offend
• You sometimes have emotional outbursts and don't understand why 
• You have strong negative emotions to mundane situations
• You feel guilty taking a vacation
• You work longer hours than those around you
• You often feel mentally exhausted or even bordering on burnout

Emotional Intelligence Dimension 2: Social Competence

If you identify with, or have been given feedback which reflects any of the statements below, the strategies outlined in the next section can help you to build more positive interaction and communication with others.

• You blame others for problems
• You don’t listen 
• You talk more than you ask questions
• You are argumentative
• You are unaware of others feelings or preferences in the room
• Being right is more important than finding a path forward
• You have difficulty giving feedback
• You have difficulty receiving feedback

Strategies for increasing your emotional intelligence

Emotional Intelligence Dimension 1: Personal Competence

Many of us are so busy focusing and taking care of others, we neglect ourselves. But as the saying goes, you must put on your oxygen mask first before you can help others.  In that, focusing on improving personal competence is just as, if not more important than focusing on social competence. Personal competence is our emotional awareness, our understanding of our emotional reactions, and how we manage these.

Self-Awareness

Here are some tips of how you can become more self-aware of your feelings and reactions.

• Become aware of self talk:  most of us really hard on ourselves.  The problem is when you pass a lot of judgement on yourself, you stop wanting to have the internal dialogue.  If this is the case, the next time you start negative self talk ask yourself these two questions: “Are these thoughts helpful? How do they behave?” It could be your thoughts are trying to help but the tone just makes you feel bad instead of improving. This can erode your self-confidence and limit your ability to manage your emotional responses.
• Practice recognizing your feelings: we can have a tendency to go through life on auto-pilot.  When someone asks us how we are doing, we say “fine”.  Well, fine is not a feeling.  The next time someone asks you how you are, pull out the feelings wheel and identify how you are really doing.  Are you excited about this next meeting?  Are you overwhelmed by the project?  Not only will this help you become more aware of your own feelings, but by opening up the dialog with a more meaningful response, you are creating a connection with the other person.
• Lean into your discomfort: as humans, we tend to avoid feeling sad because we don't like the pain associated with it. Rather than avoiding it, it's important to take a moment to understand our feelings and the things that put us in an emotional state. You can try journaling or meditating to gain insight into your emotions and identify what is causing them. By recognizing what triggers your emotions and how you react to them, you can prepare to handle similar situations in the future.

Self-Management

Now that you have had practice recognizing your feelings and how your emotions change in different situations, it’s time to work on how you react, manage your emotions, and take care of yourself. 

• Take a breath:  when you are in a charged situation with high emotional energy and you feel yourself reacting (your heart starts racing, you hear your voice elevate a little, you may become a little flushed), stop and take a deep breath.  This reaction is because you brain feels threatened.  It perceives something has challenged your beliefs or existence.  Tell yourself you are safe. Remain calm. In your next response, use a question instead of a statement.  Switching your brain into “learning” mode can be beneficial in reducing your fight or flight response. 
• Phone a friend: step away from the situation. Speak to someone you trust, someone not emotionally invested in your problem. This is where having a challenge network is valuable. You want someone that will challenge why you are reacting, who will be honest, and who will give you a different perspective.  Gaining perspective will help you come up with a more measured response and make a rational decision.
• Sleep on it:  the single most important thing you can do for better self management is giving yourself a break.  This means maintaining good sleep hygiene, adding recharge moments in your schedule, taking vacations.  Burnout can sneak up on you and you may not recognize it when it happens. If you are mentally exhausted at the end of each day, it’s time for a break.  You cannot be your best self when you are always on edge.

Emotional Intelligence Dimension 2: Social Competence

Once you have achieved a higher level of self-awareness and improving your ability to manage stress, you can focus on developing strong social skills that can help build healthier relationships. This begins with being mindful of others' emotions and reactions, and then leveraging this skill in better developing and maintaining relationships.

Social Awareness

Social awareness focuses on your ability to understand others and empathize with those around you. These tips should help you better understand how others are feeling.

• Listen more: Those that are talking aren’t listening. The only way to understand others perspective, what they believe, and how they feel, is by listening.  The ability to understand the emotions of others and be empathetic is through practicing the art of active listening.  
• Practice reading body language: Effective listening involves not only using your ears but also by observing people’s body language. You can gauge the emotions of individuals in the room by observing their facial expressions and body language. A great way to practice understanding nonverbal communication is by watching TV with no sound, simply studying emotional expression through these cues. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/quizzes/ei_quiz
• Pay attention: Work not only on your one-on-one communication, but also listening to a group of people. In your next meeting, sit back a few times and take a moment to observe the mood of the room, note the body languages, and see how others are responding to each other. What insights are you gaining about the people in the room? Do you se who is engaged or not, who is passionate or not? Do you notice who is talking and who is not? Is one person dominating the conversation and others afraid to speak up? If you are a leader building a team, observing these interactions to better understand each member of the team is one of the most important things you can do.

Relationship Management

Let’s put all you new found awareness of yourself and others into action. Improving your relationship management skills should help you navigate social situations and build better relationships.

• Develop good questions:  The art of communication is making sure the other person is talking and that they feel heard. The ability to ask good questions is a skill to be practiced.  A good question helps you both better understand the situation and underlying motivations. There are a couple different methods you can use, one is the five whys, simply asking why to each response given five times to reach deeper meaning.  Once you have practiced this, it helps to have back-pocket questions ready.  My favorites are: “What do you mean when you say x?” and “ What’s your ideal outcome?”
• Tackle a tough conversation: the only way to get comfortable with dealing with conflict or charged situations is practice. Think of feedback you have avoided. It doesn’t get better with age. It gets worse and it is unfair to give someone feedback weeks or months afterward when they have no time to correct the situation or improve. What are you avoiding right now? Pick up the phone and have that conversation now. 
• Ask for feedback and take it well: in one-on-ones with your team members, ask them for feedback on how you can improve.  In team meetings, dedicate time to group feedback, demonstrating how to be receptive to feedback. Being openly vulnerable is a highly effective method of building connection with others. Showing your team that you are open to feedback makes it safe for them to give each other feedback as well. The secret here is you have to take the feedback well.  If you get critical or constructive feedback, demonstrate understanding and appreciation for the feedback.  Do not get defensive, come up with excuses, or deny anything. Even if you don’t agree, just say "thank you". Now, this is where having good questions can come in handy. Probe for understanding and ask how they feel about it.  You are now in a great dialog and developing deeper connections.

I wish when I first started my career that emotional intelligence training was mandatory.  Not only are these skills leaders need, but they also help with success in life.  Many of the suggestions provided were learned over time and many times learned the hard way.  Instead of stumbling into these, please learn from others mistakes and practice these.

Resources

• Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves
• Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ by Daniel Goleman

We would love to hear your feedback on if you have tried any of these, have they worked, and what else you are doing to improve your EQ. Contact Us.

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